Horrorscope for the week of 8/14

ARIES - Everyone wishes you were undead this week.

TAURUS - Your house will become infested with rats (and possibly feces).

GEMINI - You’ll choke on your own tongue because you talk so much.

CANCER - You accidentally cut off your toe while trimming your nails. A talon grows in its place.

LEO- You will have your eyes gouged out with chopsticks.

VIRGO - You will have a booger hanging out of your nose when you pick up your date.

LIBRA - Everyone thinks you’re wearing your halloween costume early.

SCORPIO - You don’t realize the milk is bad until you’ve eaten the whole bowl of cereal.

SAGITTARIUS - You will be constipated for the next five days.

CAPRICORN - The store will be all out of black clothes. Pity.

AQUARIUS - People like your imaginary friend better than they like you.

PISCES - The lice comes back this week.